Dilemma Me

ON ME. Still there.

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” – John Green

“Minsan kasi kailangan natin silang makita para malaman natin kung meron pa” F told me. Honestly, its still there, I just don’t want to admit it. Why? It hurts. I’m trying my best to forget about her.

Earlier today, after a week of no communication, I saw her. Yes, of all the people I had to see, I saw her. We said our hello’s – but it was ice cold. I felt the “drifting away” tone of voice in her. Then it all rushed back to me; that I am happy when I am with her – that I don’t want those times to end, then the times she would just leave me without any reason. But who am I to ask for a reason from her, right? I’m just the friend whom she would talk to about her frustrations in the office, etc.

I talked to F and D about the morning incident, they said that may be, just may be she has her monthly period. But seriously, ice cold voice?

Then I told them the story that made me realise that she’s not worth it of my time and effort, and that I gave up on her. They said that maybe she went to the place then she’ll meet me there, but if she did really go to the place where we’ll go, she would text me that she’s already there, right? But no text. The only message I received from her was: “Went ahead. Sorry! Ingat pauwi!” Like seriously, if she didn’t want to be with me, she should have just told me that. That’ll be much more acceptable than leaving me hanging. Mas matatangap ko pa na hindi siya pumayag sa lakad namin, kaysa naman sa iiwan niya ako sa ere.

It’s sad when your heart gets broken.

Love? Pustahan? Sugal? They’re all the same. In the end part lang talo. It is. My heart is not broken, maybe I didn’t expect this kind of treatment from her, I was disappointed.

Hindi ka naman masasaktan kung hindi mo mahal yung tao eh.

And the only person who can make to whole and calm down is the same person who broke your heart. Eh  wala eh, pag tinamaan ka. Tinamaan ka.

Kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, tataya ka lang.

Am I on that stage already? No. Honestly, I take calculated risks. But on this one, all the risks I took wasn’t calculated. I just went for it. And if she saw that, and still didn’t want me, then, why should I push the issue, right? Bakit ko ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa taong, ayaw naman sa akin?

Love will always leave you with a stronger heart.

As of today, I can’t agree or disagree with that. But I do believe that with all the pain, anger, disappointments we go through, it will definitely help us to be a better person, in general.

 

And I thought I am OK, that I was able to release all the pain when the incident happened. It turned it, I’m still not OK. That I am masking what I’m feeling. How contrary to my previous post, right? All it had to do is for me to see her and hear her Hello.

Help!

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